Category Archives: About Me

40 Year Old Make Up Virgin

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(I originally wrote this post almost 7 years ago. In less than a month I will turn 47. The sad truth is, I have not come leaps nor bounds from when I first posted this. I have made it as far as finding a good coverup powder that I like and when I am feeling like I need to cover the red blotches on my face I put it on. The other interesting thing about the timing of me reposting this is that I just got a haircut for the first time since I wrote this when I was 39. So if you add the 20 years it took me to get a haircut from 19-39, and the past 6 years that = a hefty 26 years. Yup folks I have had 2 haircuts in the past 26 years...GASP!)

FACTS: 

I am turning 40 in twelve days and I have never worn makeup in my life, okay except for maybe a few unfortunate attempts when I was 14 and angry at the world….black eyeliner!

Not wearing makeup was never an issue for me, until about a year ago.  I have an increasing case of Vitiligo and it has come up onto my face, gone are the cute little freckles that used to speckle themselves whimsically across my nose and down onto my cheeks. It became very noticeable last summer when I was a bit more tanned.  I try my hardest to put on sunscreen, wear hats and keep out of the sun, but admit that I spend more of my time accomplishing those sun safety measures for the 3 kids then I do myself.  So the places where my skin pigmentation has disappeared are in my opinion, frightfully noticeable.

AND:

If I am being 100% honest with myself I do not look like I did even 5 years ago before the rug rats came along.  Years of focusing on our infertility, losing a baby, and finally becoming parents has aged me and it shows on my face and my body!  I, however, do not know the first thing about applying makeup and have often thought of going into one of the places I see in the malls to have them show me how to apply it properly, but I am terrified I will come out looking more aged and way less natural then I like to look and feel.  To date, my only face care routine is washing my face with Noxema before bed, and for years I believe my Noxema was keeping me looking young, as I was always told I looked years younger than my actual age, but those days are slipping away and those compliments are very few and far between.

I don’t even adorn my fingernails with polish and my toes although always out and about in the summer are embarrassingly bare.  In our house, Daddy shows our 3 year old how to put on her lip smacker, her cheek sparkles and even does the nail polish.  Mommy just doesn’t know how.

I got my first haircut in almost 20 years and the only reason I decided to do that was because it kept visiting the toilet every time I did, so tired of having to constantly remember to hold my hair up every time I sat down on the loo I reluctantly went and got it cut, and it was stressful.  She kept wanting to do something called face shaping, I didn’t get it, I was there to get my haircut, not get my face in shape!  Regardless, she cut it and way shorter then I had originally wanted, it now does not wrap up properly into my bun that has become my standard mommy do.

Time to suck it up and start doing something to improve the reflection that is staring back at me so wearily in the mornings.

Time to admit to the word that I am a 40-YEAR-OLD MAKEUP VIRGIN.

"40 is the New 20 and Lying is the New Honesty"

PROBLEM:

I don’t even know where to begin!

The Mommy Primal Scream

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Here is the low down, I have given up yelling at my kids.  It never seems to matter how loud, how often or how many combinations of words I use to try to get them to stop doing whatever it is I want them to stop doing, in the end, it is all in vain.  My words, my loudness, and my shaking fists mean nothing to them except more noise in the house.  It's like yelling at a barking dog, all they really hear is their master barking louder than them so they ramp it up and continue to bark even louder.

Many, many moons ago I learned about the primal scream in school, a technique discovered in 1970 by Arthur Janov.  I won't get to in depth with the boring details and psychobabble but for those interested check it out on the ever-informative Wiki The Primal Scream.

The basic idea is that you get all your built up neurosis and pain out from past hurtful experiences by screaming and making other aggressive verbal sounds.  I have always liked the concept behind this, but have never incorporated into my life, until now.  The only thing is that I have made a few alterations to the basis of the original meaning, therefore calling it "The Mommy Primal Scream."

My verbal aggression is in the form of a very loud, open mouthed, ear piercing scream, just like the original definition states. However, the anger, the pain and the hurt does not come from any past events, it comes from the moment which I am trapped in.  It is the here and now, the kids fighting, whining, screaming, complaining, demanding, climbing and clawing at me, pulling my dress, my shirts, my hair....no matter what, no matter how hard I try, they never seem to be happy, it is never enough and it never matters how loud I scream at them, things never change.

So now I just stand in the middle of the moment, take a few very calming breaths (this part is important) and I let out an excruciatingly loud scream that stops them in their paths.  They stare at me with with eyes that are wide and full of concern.  I can tell they are wondering what will happen next, will mommy fall over, start crying, bang her fists on the wall?????  When I am done my scream I simply take a few more calming breaths and walk out of the room leaving the little ones silenced, at least for that moment.  It seems to be a very effective technique in that it distracts them form whatever bullshit it was they were carrying on about.

So to all my mommy friends who are sick and tired of yelling actual words in hopes that your kids will listen because your tone is louder, and who are frustrated because it is all to no avail, join me and try the "Mommy Primal Scream".

P.S.  I wrote this entire blog post with The Boy sitting next to (more like on top of me) pretending a piece of crusty pita bread is a car and driving it all over my body......